Daily Goal 2

Totally rocked that goal on Saturday. Drank lots of water.

Goal for today - Go to Jazzercise and push myself as hard as I can.

Daily Goals

I'm going to try to post a goal every day. It may be the exact same thing every day for a while. But I'm just trying to go one day at a time.

Today's goal - Drink a 2 Liter bottle of water.

Also, I kind of cheated a little bit with the sugar fast. I had some fresh blueberries, and just thought they'd be so much better in muffins. They were sweetened with honey and 1/2 c of brown sugar. They were also 100% whole wheat, so I justified it that way. It kind of helped quenched my baking desire. With all this snow I have been dying to bake something. Now I'm just trying not to eat the entire pan of them by myself.

Sometimes I forget anyone reads this blog

So I kind of think of this as my private blog. Even though I know it isn't private at all. And I don't want it to be. I like the accountability of knowing people are reading. But then sometimes I have to remember I have an audience and maybe I should be more specific about things. IDK. Anyway ... the sugar fast is still going. I'm slightly dying to bake cookies. Seriously. Every night after dinner I crave something sweet like crazy. But I'm going until Feb. We're doing it. It's been fun to do with Aaron really. And we usually eat ice cream at least once a week. I miss it. I'm hoping it's true what they say, about staying away from refined sugars, you stop craving them after a month or so. We'll see. And in full disclosure, I cheated a little. More like forgot. That Kool-Aid has a lot of sugar. And drinks totally count. But that's been it.

I'm always working on improving myself. I think I need to work a bit more on loving myself. I'm not giving up on my weight loss journey. But I need to do something mentally. I'm always thinking about my weight. I don't know how to stop thinking about my weight. Seriously, it's everything. I'll even be feeling good about myself, like "Wow I cooked such a healthy delicious dinner tonight... but I'm fat." Or "I'm a great mom!... but I'm fat." Or worse... "I suck at doing laundry AND I'm fat!"

I don't know how to make it go away. I'm going to try to just stop thinking that one phrase. I'm going to try to focus on the positive things about my body. And I'm going to continue to exercise, eat right, yadda yadda yadda.

This week I'm focusing on exercise. I haven't made it to Jazzercise this week yet, but I'm going tomorrow. I did dance with my kids last night for 30 minutes, and I did sit ups tonight. I'm trying to just do SOMETHING every day. Somedays it may be a really hard workout like Jazzercise or 30 Day Shred, some days it might just be sit ups while watching Monk on Netflix. But something every day.

Now it's time for bed.

Can I do both?

So I read that article I posted about yesterday. And I was all like YEAH no more scale! Yeah eat until I'm full! Only exercise when it feels good!

And then today I weighed myself. Just to see.

228.

Almost back where I started.

I cried. This up and down and up down with these 5 pounds is driving me nuts.

I hate the way I look.  Every time I look in the mirror I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like my husband is disgusted with me too. Or at least wishes I was smaller. He doesn't do anything to make me feel this way. In fact he's always telling me I'm too hard on myself. But I just can't imagine him not wishing I was smaller. I've gained a lot of weight since we got married. I was 180ish when we got married. Two kids, and 5 and a half years later and I'm 228. That's unacceptable to me.

So I want to feel good about my body. How do I do that without losing weight? I want to feel good about THIS body. And my skinny body that exists somewhere in here.

Me and working out don't seem to mix. I seem to GAIN weight when I work out. I think it has to do with the fact that I get so tired from working out so hard, I tend to move a lot less throughout the rest of the day. And I think I worked out so I can eat a little more. I try not to do this, but it's the only explanation I can find for why on days I work out I weigh more.

So I guess my problem with the article I posted is that I think I need to do both. I need to get my weight down, and feel good about myself. And Janna Dean kind of says you need to love yourself where you're at. And not fight your body.

So I'm going to try to find a middle. But seriously I just want to stop eating forever right now. I wish there was a magic pill out there. I never knew losing weight could be this hard.

C. Jane. healing posts

I read C. Jane's blog. And I love it. She's one of my favs. Anyway she started a series on healing. And I really liked the first post. You can read the whole article here. She has a guest blogger - Janna Dean. She says our resolutions shouldn't be about our bodies, but our body image. And these are her suggestions:

   Throw away your scale and quit weighing yourself.

·         Eliminate “fat talk” about yourself or anyone else.

·         Honor your body—eat when you are hungry, stop when you are full.

·         Say something positive about yourself every day.

·         Make a list of 3 things your body did well each day.

·         Express gratitude daily to those you love.

·         Acknowledge that bodies come in all shapes and sizes and are beautiful in their own right—beauty is subjective.

·         Exercise when it feels good and stop when it doesn’t .

·         Become a critical viewer of the media.  Acknowledge the insane standards set forth for us and laugh about the impossibility of it all and put your energy into something that will strengthen you.

·         Make a commitment to give up conversations about dieting, calories, weight, etc.

·         Work on developing areas in your life that you are passionate about.  You will be beautiful when you love yourself.

So I'm not sure I can do it. I'm kind of obsessed with my scale. But this sounds more like what I want. But skinnyness is what I want. But why? Because of media. I guess. I don't know if I can give up my scale. But it's so true. I really do let my self worth go up and down with the numbers on the scale. I also loved when she said you will be beautiful when you love yourself.  I do love myself. But I really struggle with my body. I mean did you see that picture I posted? But I'm going to start working on this more. I think. I just read the article and I'm digesting it. I'll sleep on it and see how I feel.

Sugar Fast

Aaron and I are going 30 days without refined sugars. But I'm kind of sucking at it. I "taxed" my kids fruit snacks by 1 each. And I drank a large helping of hot chocolate after playing in the snow today. It could be worse, I guess. But I'm trying. We are going to NJ for 6 weeks this summer and I want to wear a bathing suit at the beach without feeling like a whale. I want to lose 40lbs. By June 12th. But I'm going to start with a small goal. I want to lose 10lbs by Feb. 1st.

10lbs in 3.5 weeks. Totally doable. I'm weighing myself every day. Yesterday I was 224. Today I was 227. I hope that was just a fluctuation and I didn't gain 3lbs in a day. I'm going to weigh myself officially every Friday. So I guess I'll use the 227. So by Feb. 1st I'm going to be 217.

I've gone to Jazzercise twice this year. My goal is 3 times a week. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I'm doing it.

Can't believe I'm posting this

But here it is. The absolute worst picture of me ever taken. I blame the sweatshirt, and the angle, and I'm laughing.... And I've had several people tell me I don't look this bad in real life. But pictures can't lie right. So here's my motivation. I am 225ish in this picture. That is what I weighed when I delivered Olivia!