So I read that article I posted about yesterday. And I was all like YEAH no more scale! Yeah eat until I'm full! Only exercise when it feels good!
And then today I weighed myself. Just to see.
228.
Almost back where I started.
I cried. This up and down and up down with these 5 pounds is driving me nuts.
I hate the way I look. Every time I look in the mirror I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like my husband is disgusted with me too. Or at least wishes I was smaller. He doesn't do anything to make me feel this way. In fact he's always telling me I'm too hard on myself. But I just can't imagine him not wishing I was smaller. I've gained a lot of weight since we got married. I was 180ish when we got married. Two kids, and 5 and a half years later and I'm 228. That's unacceptable to me.
So I want to feel good about my body. How do I do that without losing weight? I want to feel good about THIS body. And my skinny body that exists somewhere in here.
Me and working out don't seem to mix. I seem to GAIN weight when I work out. I think it has to do with the fact that I get so tired from working out so hard, I tend to move a lot less throughout the rest of the day. And I think I worked out so I can eat a little more. I try not to do this, but it's the only explanation I can find for why on days I work out I weigh more.
So I guess my problem with the article I posted is that I think I need to do both. I need to get my weight down, and feel good about myself. And Janna Dean kind of says you need to love yourself where you're at. And not fight your body.
So I'm going to try to find a middle. But seriously I just want to stop eating forever right now. I wish there was a magic pill out there. I never knew losing weight could be this hard.
Laur -- Can I just say, as someone who loves you and wants to see you succeed in WHATEVER you decide to do with your weight journey....I personally dont feel you are sticking to anything long enough to see substantial results. One week you are jazzercizing, the next week you are sugar fasting with Aaron, then you throw caution to the wind in AZ/NJ/Whereever for a week, come home and commit to loosing 10 lbs by Feb, then you are giving up your scale and loving your body now....you just arent really committing to ONE thing...and your body is probably all "WTF!!"
ReplyDeleteYou need to find a REALISTIC plan you can work with and work into YOUR LIFESTYLE (you have 2 little ones so I'm SURE it's much harder to work on yourself when you have other people depending on you!) and stick with it for at least a few months!! You arent going to see great results until you do this.
...That's just my two cents :) Love you!!
I want to pipe up here. (I spy on this blog when I have a free moment or two....because I love ya!)
ReplyDeleteI am 5'6, I weigh 103 pounds. I hover between here and 105. I am 39. I eat anything and everything I want. I am one of those people that you love to hate.
But guess what? I do not love my body either. Yes, I am thin, but I have fat rolls in places I don't want them. I have skin and bones in places I shouldn't. My skin is losing it's elasticity and I am looking older by the day. I look in the mirror and think the same things you do... "There is no way my husband likes what he is looking at."
I am not sure that weight or lack there of has anything to do with the body issues we have. I want more, you want less. Bottom line, we always want what we can't have.
Here is my pep talk now.
I found pictures the other day of Brandon and I when we first started dating. I remember how awful I felt about the way I looked that summer. I seriously HATED my body!! But today, I see those pictures and I would kill to have that body from five years ago BACK!! What was I thinking? I was a hot mama!
I am telling you (and me) this because I think we need to enjoy what youth we have left and what bodies God gave us and enjoy our lives.
Bake some damn cookies. I am going to drink some diet coke. Neither of these things make sense but they both make us happy. Life is TOO short to be miserable.
So, slip on something sexy and love up on your man and I promise you.... He will love every stinkin' second of it and NEVER think, " I wish she looked different." Because our guys love us just the way we are.
End RANT!!!
(HUGS)