Healthy Challenge #2

Okay first of all I'm home in NJ. Well home, as in where my mom is. It's been a trying few days. I haven't stuck to any of my rules really. I had an adventure with Aaron yesterday where lots of sugary treats were devoured past 7:00pm. I didn't drink enough water. But tomorrow my goal is to have a good Monday.

That's it. Have a good Monday. Will you join me? It won't be too hard. It's just for Monday. Then Tuesday, we'll have a good Tuesday. But let's get off to a good start on Monday.

I'm going to run when I wake up. And I'm going to drink a gallon of water. And I'm only going to have one little piece of my baby's birthday cake. Because I'm pretty sure it's bad luck or something like that if I don't eat a piece. It'll be a good day.

I'm also going to do a pasta bar for baby's birthday. I'll have lots of yummy healthy options. Whole wheat pastas, and a few different sauces. And a great big salad. I'm so excited!

ONE POUND

Okay so it's been about a month since I last stepped on a scale. (Okay there was that one time at the doctor's on the 12th.) Other than I've tried to stay away from the scale. Tomorrow would have been a month since last weigh-in at 229. Today I weighed myself on the scale at Jazzercise. 228.

So many thoughts and emotions.

I feel like I've worked harder than 1 pound.

But maybe I haven't worked hard enough. Maybe I'm throwing toothpicks on a fire, and expecting a blaze as if I was using logs. But running/jogging 2 miles, and an hour of sweating my butt off cardio, doesn't feel like toothpicks. I've been eating healthy.

I guess I need to kick it up a few notches.

Then I start thinking. This is really as much as I can give right now. I mean I guess I could try a little harder. But I feel like I'm really trying to change my lifestyle. I don't want to do anything that I know I couldn't maintain my entire life. I don't want to lose weight only to gain it back again.

So if that it's it, than I shouldn't care about that stupid number. But I do!! It's so frustrating. I feel like what's the point of even working out at all if these are the results? I keep reminding myself that I'm working out for more than weight loss. But I really don't enjoy working out. I'm just hoping if I do it enough, and tell myself I love it, eventually I will. That whole fake til you make it gig.

I've been doing my best, but I think it's time for my best to get better. And I have a challenging time coming up. I am going to NJ for about a week. I always gain 5lbs whenever I go there. I am going to try to continue running while I'm there. And I'll be careful about what I eat. My goal will just be to not gain any weight while I'm there.

*sigh*

I am more than a number. My weight does not have any bearing on my worth. I am beautiful at any size.

Today was a good day

Today I woke up and ate a bowl of Kashi Go Lean Crunch. And a handful of pumpkin seeds because they were there. For lunch I had a bean cheese burrito with a whole wheat tortilla, and lots of salsa, no sour cream. (Actually I hate sour cream, but it makes it seem like a sacrifice if I mention it, right?) I had a banana and more and more pumpkin seeds throughout the day. For dinner I made cilantro lime jasmine rice, and Cuban black beans. It was so yummy!

I also ran another mile today! I walked for 2 minutes, ran for 2 minutes for about a mile. Then I decided to run the entire mile back. I wasn't going to. I was really tired today. And my feet still hurt. But then I just felt like running. It was like as soon as I gave myself permission NOT to run, I wanted to run. So I did. And I ran the entire mile in 11 minutes. That's probably a pretty pathetic time to most runners, but I am just impressed with myself for being to run an entire mile. I'll worry about my "time" as I get a little better at this sort of thing.

I also drank a gallon of water today. And I didn't eat anything with processed sugars (okay I had a sugar free, splenda sweetened ice pop, not sure if that counts). I sat on the couch and watched TV with the hubster without munching on anything. I really wanted ice cream, but I resisted. Thursday is when I wanted to weigh myself, but we'll be going out of town. So should I do it tomorrow? I guess so. I really don't think I've lost a pound. But I keep trying to get through my head, it's not about that. It's about changing myself. And the weight will come off. It has to. Right? Either that, or I'll just pregnant again and then it doesn't matter anyway.. KIDDING!

By the way I think tomorrow I'll blog about why I hate the Biggest Loser. Seriously losing 15lbs in a week can not be good! And if it is I want to be able to do it!!

I need to find a better way to deal with stress

The moment I start to feel the stress level around me rise, I instantly want to put something in my mouth. Tonight was particularly stressful with the kiddo's. Now that the hubs is graciously putting them to bed, all I want to do is stuff my face with the chocolate chip cookies I made today. I realize that this only hinders my goals, and even makes me feel gross since I'm already full. But really I am writing this post to keep myself from mindlessly entering the kitchen and downing 4 cookies before even thinking about it.

I do this all day long. And I get easily stressed out. Part of it is just lack of sleep lately. Another part is my poor coping strategies. I like to avoid things. Food helps me avoid, because food makes me happy. And I can think about delicious gooey chocolateness instead of screaming baby and disobedient toddler.

I think I should start meditating or something. Find my zen. Count to 10. Breathe. I'm sure there are plenty of ways besides eating my way to oblivion.

I also think if I keep my house cleaner, have more of a structured schedule, and always remember my morning prayers I will handle stress better. I'm really bad at these things. Messes automatically elevate my stress. I'm going to at least focus on that more this week. And I'm really thinking I might get a book on meditation.

So can I consider myself a "runner" now?

So I ran an ENTIRE mile without stopping. Not even once. I just kept chugging along. And I felt really great. I think I could have kept going, but I reeeaallly had to pee and that was seriously my biggest discomfort. And my calves were burning like crazy. And my feet hurt. I think I need new sneakers because I don't think your feet are supposed to hurt. Or are they? Then I walked a little further, than turned around and went back. I went a total of 3 miles. I am so pleased with myself.

It was really nice. Lake Erie is only a few minutes from our house, and there's a really beautiful park with a popular running/biking trail. Right now the leaves are all changing colors. The weather is perfect. My mind goes to weird a place when I run. I was pretending the birds chirping in the trees that surround the path were friends and family cheering me on. The leaves that were falling were confetti as I crossed the finish line (is there confetti in races? I doubt it, but oh well it was in my own little world).

I also looked at all the different leaves. Their different colors, shapes, sizes. I imagined if the largest leaf in a pile felt insecure about his large size. If the dull boring brown leaf was envious of the vibrant reds and oranges that surrounded her. If the red maple was really as confident as it looked, or was it really insecure about the few tiny holes no one else really noticed. And then I wondered.... am I really losing my mind? I am giving personality to leaves. And then I started thinking about wanting to go to a chiropractor. Yeah I don't get the connection either.

But YAY for 3 miles. And an entire one ran!

5 straight days of working out!!

Okay so I've had this goal forever to workout every day except Sunday. Something has always happened to be a good enough excuse to not do it. But I have worked out every single day since Monday. And worked out HARD!

Monday - Jazzercise for 60 minutes. And just in case you aren't familiar with the awesomeness that is Jazzercise, it's dance aerobics, and then strength training. It's my favorite way to work out. I like to pretend I'm just dancing, and not exercising, even though sweat is literally pouring off of me. And then the strength training is pretty intense, although varies a lot by teacher. Some instructors totally kick my butt, and others are a lot easier, but still a good workout.

Tuesday - Ran 2.4 miles while pushing about 60 lb of kid in stroller. I ran for a 1/10 of a mile, than walked a 1/10. Did that the whole time. Occasionally running 2/10. And sometimes walking a little longer because I was carrying about 35 of the 60lb of kids. It was a beautiful day. Hard workout but felt so good.

Wednesday - Jazz'd it up

Thurday - ran for 30 minutese. Up and down hills. I cried. It sucked.

Today - Again Jazz.

Tomorrow I plan on going for a "long" run. I don't know, I want to see if I can run 3 miles. And at least 1 without stopping. But it's kind of depending on the weather. I just don't have the dedication to run in freezing rain. But if it is raining I'll run up and down my stairs or something.

Yaaay for 5 days of exercise!!!

And now to NOT celebrate with delicious pumpkin cake......

More about body image

The time I felt the very best about my body was right after giving birth to my first baby girl. I remember coming home from the hospital and I was able to put my regular old jeans back on. I still had a little pouch, but it didn't bother me at all. I LOVED my body. I was amazed that this little person was created inside me. I gave birth to her. I was nourishing her with milk my body was creating just for her. It really didn't have anything to do with my weight, but more realizing the sheer miracle that was my body. I felt terrible for ever saying I hated my body, when it capable of such miracles.

Fast forward a few years later, right after I gave birth to second baby. I don't feel the same way at all! I remember when my dad first saw me after I had her and he was taken aback by how big my belly still was. And it still is. And while my body did the exact same thing it did the first time, and it's no less miraculous... somehow I just don't feel the same way. I wish I did. That was a good feeling. Maybe it does have a little to do with the fact that I still can't wear the jeans I wore before I got pregnant with her.

But, I don't totally hate my body. I'm not entirely uncomfortable in my skin. I do think my body is quite miraculous, and I'm grateful for it. And sometimes I look down, or look in the mirror and I don't think I'm really fat. I can't believe the number on the scale because I don't think I look like 227lbs or whatever I am. I think I have like the opposite of anorexic people, who really have distorted view of themselves and see themselves as much larger than they really are. I think I see myself smaller than I really am. And maybe that's a good thing?

But then I try to fit into pants that fit 2 years ago, and can't them over my rear. Or I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and see my belly and realize I looked better 6 months pregnant. And I cry. And then eat. Stress eater, remember? So I am definitely motivated to stick with my healthy new lifestyle. But I have bad moments. But I also realize that even the skinniest person probably feels fat some days. So I guess it's normal, and maybe I always will feel like this. But I'm starting to think more about body image than my actual body. I think it's more important to get a healthy body image, than a healthy body. Well maybe not more important than a healthy body, but at least more important than a skinny body. I know people who have lots tons of weight and still feel so insecure about their bodies. I don't want that to be me. I want to be happy with my body no matter what its size. I want to love this body, now. So I'll let you know how that goes, k?