More about body image

The time I felt the very best about my body was right after giving birth to my first baby girl. I remember coming home from the hospital and I was able to put my regular old jeans back on. I still had a little pouch, but it didn't bother me at all. I LOVED my body. I was amazed that this little person was created inside me. I gave birth to her. I was nourishing her with milk my body was creating just for her. It really didn't have anything to do with my weight, but more realizing the sheer miracle that was my body. I felt terrible for ever saying I hated my body, when it capable of such miracles.

Fast forward a few years later, right after I gave birth to second baby. I don't feel the same way at all! I remember when my dad first saw me after I had her and he was taken aback by how big my belly still was. And it still is. And while my body did the exact same thing it did the first time, and it's no less miraculous... somehow I just don't feel the same way. I wish I did. That was a good feeling. Maybe it does have a little to do with the fact that I still can't wear the jeans I wore before I got pregnant with her.

But, I don't totally hate my body. I'm not entirely uncomfortable in my skin. I do think my body is quite miraculous, and I'm grateful for it. And sometimes I look down, or look in the mirror and I don't think I'm really fat. I can't believe the number on the scale because I don't think I look like 227lbs or whatever I am. I think I have like the opposite of anorexic people, who really have distorted view of themselves and see themselves as much larger than they really are. I think I see myself smaller than I really am. And maybe that's a good thing?

But then I try to fit into pants that fit 2 years ago, and can't them over my rear. Or I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and see my belly and realize I looked better 6 months pregnant. And I cry. And then eat. Stress eater, remember? So I am definitely motivated to stick with my healthy new lifestyle. But I have bad moments. But I also realize that even the skinniest person probably feels fat some days. So I guess it's normal, and maybe I always will feel like this. But I'm starting to think more about body image than my actual body. I think it's more important to get a healthy body image, than a healthy body. Well maybe not more important than a healthy body, but at least more important than a skinny body. I know people who have lots tons of weight and still feel so insecure about their bodies. I don't want that to be me. I want to be happy with my body no matter what its size. I want to love this body, now. So I'll let you know how that goes, k?